Stephen Colbert’s site has a “Religionizer,” which chooses a random religion and outputs a related joke. The jokes themselves are hidden by code but someone hacked in and got them all. So, for your entertainment, here are some of the best:

Christianity:
Sweet! More Bible!
Warning: Stigmata not covered by HMO.
Pro: Salvation. Con: N/A
Jesus died for your sins, so you kind of owe him.
You’re now only 60% likely to burn in Hell.
Start planning your Rapture party now!
Admit it: it feels good to be right.
Jesus is now officially your co-pilot.
Feeling guilty? Get used to it.
Walking on the beach just got a whole lot easier.

Judaism:
Hear, O Israel: Accept Jesus as your personal savior.
Mazel Tov! Your prize: the media.
Only drawback: you’re allergic to everything.
Hope you don’t mind moving every fifty years.
Now you’ll never be friends with Mel Gibson.
Suit yourself. More prosciutto for the rest of us.
And you haven’t told your mother yet. Shame on you!
Commence suffering… now.
Hey, it was good enough for Jesus.

Atheism:
Fine. More God for the rest of us.
Imagine there’s no heaven. Now stop imagining.
Good luck carrying yourself on the beach.
Good news: no church on Sunday. Bad news: lake of fire on Judgment Day.
Quitter.
If there’s no God, who blessed me with these looks?
If you had a soul, it would be crushed.
Heads up: without Jesus, you’re no one’s little sunbeam.
Guess you’ll have to win that sports championship by yourself.

Islam:
Sorry, “Kareem Abdul Jabbar” is taken.
There goes your career as a political cartoonist.
Now to decide whether you’re Sunni or Shiite. It should only take about 12,000 years.
Now you can hang with Cat Stevens!
You’re required to pray 3-5 times a day in the direction of Mecca. But I guess that’s better than having 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS.
Let’s hope you’re one of the good ones.
I recommend the King James version of the Qur’an.
You’re no longer on Santa’s list, but trust me, you are on a list.

Hinduism:
Suit yourself. More Steak-ums for the rest of us.
Spoiler alert: Your next life form is a dragonfly.

Buddhism:
Careful, those robes chafe.
You must respect all living things. Even Nick Nolte.
Your deity’s so fat when he sits around the eternal oneness, he sits AROUND the eternal oneness. Snap!
Pro: Reincarnation. Con: Reincarnation as a fern.