I’ve seen a lot of interesting online discussion this week about Child-Man in the Promised Land, an article by Kay Hymowitz that argues that single young men today are trapped in a state of endless adolescence, failing to mature into productive members of society. The evidence is pretty damning. From Hymowitz’ essay:
...the new SYM [single young male]... he’s immature because he can be. We can argue endlessly about whether “masculinity” is natural or constructed—whether men are innately promiscuous, restless, and slobby, or socialized to be that way—but there’s no denying the lesson of today’s media marketplace: give young men a choice between serious drama on the one hand, and Victoria’s Secret models, battling cyborgs, exploding toilets, and the NFL on the other, and it’s the models, cyborgs, toilets, and football by a mile. For whatever reason, adolescence appears to be the young man’s default state, proving what anthropologists have discovered in cultures everywhere: it is marriage and children that turn boys into men. Now that the SYM can put off family into the hazily distant future, he can—and will—try to stay a child-man. Yesterday’s paterfamilias or Levittown dad may have sought to escape the duties of manhood through fantasies of adventures at sea, pinups, or sublimated war on the football field, but there was considerable social pressure for him to be a mensch. Not only is no one asking that today’s twenty- or thirtysomething become a responsible husband and father—that is, grow up—but a freewheeling marketplace gives him everything that he needs to settle down in pig’s heaven indefinitely.
As a male who falls somewhat into this category—I don’t spend my weekends cruising bars and don’t read Maxim, but I’ve got a World of Warcraft account and a few boxes of comics in the closet—essays like this make me feel somewhat defensive. (And I’m not alone; see this response to Hymowitz.) But reading the article again, I see that her message is not “young men these days are idiots because they play too much Halo;” what she’s saying is that our culture is profoundly failing to offer single young men a purpose that extends beyond their own lives. The article closes with this observation: “Young men especially need a culture that can help them define worthy aspirations.” Think about what Enron taught young people about the value of landing a respectable job, and what our nation’s divorce statistics teach them about the value of marriage and family.
As Christians, we recognize that the gospel of Christ offers exactly the purpose that’s missing in these mens’ lives. So how is it that a generation of single young men is finding their life’s purpose in beer, sex, and videogames? Why is the church failing, along with mainstream culture, to present a compelling alternative to the self-absorbed life?
What should the church be doing? What is your church doing to reach the “child-man” demographic?
(See more commentary at Boundless.)
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February 1, 2008 at 08:12
wow, this really rings true.
Coming from someone who has been married for a little over 2 years I can speak with a little authority on this.
I had a WOW account. I was a gamer, sports fanatic, and all-around normal single guy. During that time, I always thought about being more responsible or productive, but there really didn’t seem much reason.
In that singleness, you are really the only one that truly has to live with your decisions. Once you are married with a child, there are 2 other people who must live with the choice you made. It really changes things…at least for me.
I never searched out the Biblical definition of manhood. I never sought the mentorship of other married man. I think it does change you, and for the better.
I still video games and football games, but I know that I can’t let them dominate my life. The whole addition with WOW thing could not be overstated. I have seen several lives ruined (or in the process) by that game. I do think it’s safe to say that the church is losing that genre of man.
In my opinion, the best way to help them is to teach on what Biblical manhood is. I know in my case it was the lack of a father figure during my formative years, but it could be any number of things for the next guy. I think the problem is that most of these guys don’t know what a Godly man is.
February 3, 2008 at 15:39
I am a non-religious person. I would be very interested to hear exactly the bible definition of manhood is. What guidelines are being used to identify something “missing” in other peoples lives? What are the repercussions to living life this way?
I think it’s a wonderful feature of society to allow a man or woman the decision to opt out of family or grown-up life altogether. People are free (in some parts of the world anyway) to define their lives by their own terms.
If I believed in ‘God’ I would defiantly define this as one of his gifts.
February 4, 2008 at 09:38
Andy: I’ll let Jason respond and explain what he meant by Biblical manhood, but address one of your points: Christians don’t believe that the traditional get-married-and-raise-a-family thing is a necessary part of life. In fact, people who feel called to not get married are considered to have a special gift, often called the “gift of singleness.” The idea is that without the demands of marriage or children, they have more freedom to serve God and their fellow man.
So I’d say a Christian objection to the “child-man” lifestyle is not that they’re choosing not to get married—lots of Christians don’t get married and they aren’t (or shouldn’t) be considered less for it. It’s that the “child-men” are living lives completely centered on themselves, and are actively avoiding meaningful relationships and responsibilities at all. At least, that’s my take. Am I understanding you correctly?
February 4, 2008 at 11:53
Well, I’d be lying if I professed to know the complete answer to Biblical manhood. I’ve been trying to get a firm grip on it myself and I’m still working on it. Part of my search led me to this pdf book (http://www.cbmw.org/Recovering-Biblical-Manhood-and-Womanhood/) which if nothing else points to scripture…which I trust more than any other book. I would suggest reading chapter one of that book though for a much more detailed answer to that question. The singleness portion would be a good read also.
Here’s the quote that Piper uses to define the meaning of masculinity:
“AT THE HEART OF MATURE MASCULINITY IS A SENSE OF BENEVOLENT RESPONSIBILITY TO LEAD, PROVIDE FOR AND
PROTECT WOMEN IN WAYS APPROPRIATE TO A MAN’S DIFFERING RELATIONSHIPS.”
For me, Biblical manhood is about my responsibility as a follower of Christ, a Husband, and a Father. Becoming a man in the Biblical sense for me means that I’m not neglecting my wife or child by sitting in the recliner and watching TV from the time I get home from work until the time I go back.
For me personally, it meant giving up long hours of video games. It meant giving up being a sports fanatic. It was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It meant learning how to be a leader of my house, in spiritual matters as well as others. It may sound harsh, but it’s about dying to self and that is never easy.
February 4, 2008 at 21:58
We young endure years of being ‘civilized’ and feminized in our churches, and then people act surprised when we young guys are slow to step up to the plate?
Give me a break. It is true that each among us bears the individual responsibility to assume manhood in a timely way. It is also true that only one of a half dozen churches I’ve attended across the course of my life did anything deliberate in terms of mentorship or men’s ministry.
Pastors out there, give us a dream; something to fight for. We’re already oversexed and receive more marketing messages in a week than early 1900’s folks did in a year or more. So give us something to believe in. Target us. Show us WHY settling down and giving up our freedom is better than being able to call the shots anytime day or night. Regardless of the truth of the beauty of the marriage covenant, we’ve been sold on sex and lots of it. Meet us where we are.
February 5, 2008 at 00:13
Becoming a husband and father at 19, I did the whole “growing up” thing pretty early. So this stuff doesn’t resonate with me as much…
...but I do find it interesting when I compare this article against the men’s group activities at my church. Chalked full of sporting events (watching and participating) and “manly movies” (not to mention every men’s retreat rife with flatulence and Monty Python recitations), it makes one wonder how much the church is really doing, even when they’re active in men’s “ministry”. It’s particularly curious to note that many (most?) of those men are already husbands and fathers… almost like they’re missing something they innately crave (and no longer have due to family responsibilities). So maybe the church is doing a service here…
February 5, 2008 at 01:34
I can readily agree to much of what the article said and yet I have to say that marriage is not the defining/building moment in a man’s life. As a Christian gay man that would not be the issue (it was at once but God in His mercy did not allow that)since I/we can not get married nor have children the normal way. Yes we can adopt but I think what is the defining thing is learning to love others as you love yourself. This is selflessness which is biblical for in puttting someone and at times something above yourself for the higher good cuts through the narcissistic life of adolescence which seems to be extending itself further in young mens lives.
But as well men need to be role models and sadly most men do not feel they are a good or likely candidate. As well most single men are left out when their friends get married and miss out on the good of two becoming one and building from that. I know how few Christian gay role models there are out there for people like myslef and one has to learn so much from the school of hard knocks and the ministry of Holy Spirit.
February 5, 2008 at 10:50
@Jeff
I’ll preface this by saying that this isn’t personal.
I don’t think one would find many Christian gay role models because Christian role models aren’t typically gay. Homosexuality is a sin. Not that there aren’t many people living in sin, but once someone has reached the level of a true Christian role model…one would hope that they aren’t still living in such a public sin.
That’s like saying I hope to find Christian (insert sin here) role models, and I would hope that one could conclude that a sin isn’t a qualifier in a certain role models life.
We are all dealing with sin, the only difference is that you are out in the open about one of yours. It’s not Biblical and I am not sure how you get around that. I don’t want to change this topic to a homosexual one, but I just couldn’t help but comment on the first time I’ve ever seen the phrase “Christian gay role models”.
February 6, 2008 at 12:15
This whole manhood thing really needs to be brought out in the open. Christian men tend to wither away even faster than your average modern man who is emasculated in so many ways already (is the term now “metrosexual”?).
John Eldredge’s “Wild At Heart” does a fair job of tackling the issue but doesn’t go far enough in my opinion. Camping and Spiritual Warfare are one aspect sure but Evil and injustice are real and are out there while the christian men are wasting away on the couch or in front of the internet or in the church choir.
Where are the William Wallaces, the Davids, the Men of Men!?
February 6, 2008 at 12:49
RE: What should the church be doing…to reach the “child-man” demographic?
One thing that a brother-in-the-faith and myself recently discussed was ways to reach non-believers in evangelism. There was one thing that he said that I’d heard before, but never verbalized quite as he did. He said, “God wants you as you are, but without sin.” That’s something that resonated with me, and a message I’ll begin to bring when sharing my faith.
I think one reservation that many non-believers (male and female) have is the notion that there are no Christians that are like them. As a female, I cant say that I know with complete certainty the pressures that males face to be “men.” But I think if we deliver that message (“Be who you are, but WITHOUT SIN.”) it will facilitate debunking the notion that Christian men are not “real men.” I believe we can say to them, “Play Halo, live your life, have fun…but love God FIRST. Be who you are, but without sin.”