By now you’ve no doubt heard that the Weekly World News—your weekly source of info about UFOs, Bat Boy, and Bigfoot—is ceasing publication. In an amusing NYT essay, Peter Steinfels calls attention to the many, many pieces of religious trivia that the WWN has given us over the years. Here’s a sample of what readers learned about various religious topics:

Q.: What does God look like?

A.: God “has fiery green eyes, flowing brown hair and stands 9 feet tall.”

Q.: What does God sound like?

A.: “A hundred baritones and a symphony orchestra rolled into one,” as recorded by a Soviet space probe.

Q.: Where is heaven?

A.: Heaven is 28,000 light-years from Earth, according to another space probe.

Q.: Where is hell?

A.: Nine miles below the surface of Earth, according to Soviet engineers drilling in Siberia (the Soviets played a curiously large part in these discoveries). Weekly World News reassured readers that those engineers had capped the hole after smelling smoke and hearing the cries of the damned.

Q.: How do you get to heaven?

A.: Through the Bermuda Triangle — did you have to ask? This was attributed to a Dutch physicist, who also reported that the passage to heaven was open 16 times a year.

There’s more in the full article. Who knew the answers to all these tough questions were as close as your local supermarket checkout lane?